Lending A Helping Hand
by Grimo
Summary: When Sun Ce finds out something about his brother, it is up to him and his friends to change it before their father finds out.
1. Chapter 1

lending a helping hand

Chapter 1:

Sun Ce was trying to get Sun Quan to get married. Zhou Yu and his wife Xiao Qiao found so many beautiful women for him, but Sun Quan didn't like any of them. Today, Sun Ce sat down with his younger brother to try and work things out. Sun Ce's wife Da Qiao brought donuts out for them to dunk in their tea and eat.

'Do you even want to get married? You know how much mother loves grandchildren and father says she'll do you good.'

Sun Quan sighed, 'I just don't think a wife would suit me right now, or ever.'

'Why not?'

'I don't think I'm really the marrying type. Remember in high school all the girls thought I was a dork?'

'Yeah because you were,' Sun Ce shrugged, 'And they stopped all that when you were in tenth grade.'

'Only because Zhou Tai came along.'

Sun Ce chuckled, 'Yeah now _that's_ a guy I know for sure is not the marrying type.'

Sun Quan smiled dreamily, 'I know, he's so strong isn't he?' The look on Sun Ce's face was priceless after that.

'Oh my god. Quan are you gay?'

'I have no idea,' Sun Quan cried, 'It's just, none of the girls ever liked me and he, he's just so nice to me.'

'Nope, I'm not having any of that. We're gonna find you a nice girl and turn you back straight.'

'Right.'

Ling Tong was trying on his suit ready to go out on his hot date. Gan Ning was eating lunch on the sofa.

'How do I look?' Ling Tong asked as he walked in and did a little turn.

Gan Ning turned his head to look, 'You look like Tom Cruise.'

'What? damn that sucks.'

'Sucks to be you,' Gan Ning said as he left the house.

As Ling Tong was trying to find something else to wear, the doorbell rang. Ling Tong panicked, tripping over something as he tried to remember where the front door was.

'She's early!'

Before opening the front door, he tried to be a bit like Gan Ning. So he leaned against the door frame with his arm up, legs crossed and a sweet smile on his face. He opened the door.

'Hello gorgeous,' he said before realizing it was in fact Sun Ce.

'Oh please not you too, I've already got a gay brother.'

'No sorry, I was expecting somebody else.'

'Who? Gan Ning?'

'Nope.'

'A girl?'

'Yep.'

'Tidy.'

'So what can I do you for?' Ling Tong smiled.

'Well firstly, don't talk like that it freaks me out.'

'Sorry.'

'Sun Quan is a gay. He likes Zhou Tai.'

'Oh dear,' Ling Tong said trying very hard not to laugh.

Sun Ce sat down on the couch without realizing how low it was. Ling Tong joined him.

'I don't know what to do,' Sun Ce said, 'I mean I have nothing against gays, but I mean it's my brother, we grew up together. When we were little, we bathed together. Oh no!'

'Hey, hey calm down now,' Came Gan Ning's voice as he entered the room. 'It sounds like only a small thing that can be easily handled.'

'Really?'

'Of course. One of my old buddies went gay for a while but this fixed him up good. What you need to do is take him out to a strip club. Oh with women stripers.'

Sun Ce shook his head, 'I can't. Father forbid us to go to those sort of places.'

'Which would you prefer,' Gan Ning asked, 'Disobey your fathers orders for a good reason. Or have a gay brother.'

Sun Ce looked to Ling Tong, 'You gonna come?'

'You bet!'

'Let's do this. We'll take Quan to a strip club.'

'We'd better take Zhou Tai too,' Ling Tong said. 'Just in case, so we won't have to make another stop there in the future.'


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

_Ok hopefully this chapter is better, hopefully they'll get better each time, just bare with me. _

ling Tong got out of bed all excited for that night when him and the boys go to a strip club. He hoped it turned out better than his date last night which didn't turn out so good. He accidently embarrassed the girl and himself. He can't exactly remember what happened because he was drunk. But apparently it was something or nothing along the lines of him throwing his drink all over the girl, followed by some pasta and mashed potato and then locking her in a dressing table cupboard. She may still even be in there who knows. But Ling Tong thought he shouldn't let her out if she was because it's probably over between the two of them.

'Hurry up,' Gan Ning whinged, 'We're gonna be late. And we have that stupid speech on today.'

'What?' Ling Tong asked, his eyes wide open. 'Oh crap, I completely forgot about that.'

'Hey so did I, I'm planning on jumping out the window and running for it.'

_Later on in class_

'Teachers coming!' Taishi Ci said as he quickly sat down in his seat. Everyone else did the same.

'Hey, where's my chair?' Lu Xun asked looking at Gan Ning. Because it wouldn't have been anyone else.

'Just sit on the floor Xun,' Sun Ce said. 'And Gan Ning stop copying my sisters speech.'

Sun Ce tried not to look at his brother Quan who was setting up his desk nicely. He shoved Zhou Tai's pencil case off his side of the desk which shocked Zhou Tai. Sun Ce turned around to Ling Tong and shook his head, obviously worried that it was too late to change Quan back to straight.

The teacher, Lu Meng, entered the room wearing glasses which made Gan Ning laugh out loud.

'Ah, Gan Ning,' Lu Meng smiled as he looked over at Gan Ning who suddenly looked scared, 'Have you prepared a speech for us?'

Gan Ning panicked. He leaped out of his chair, knocking it back and revealing Lu Xun's chair that was on top of it. His desk went forward and ink went flying until it landed all over poor Sun Shang Xiang. Gan Ning then ran towards the window and leaped through it. There was a loud thud followed a moan. Gan Ning had forgotten about the new rose bush that was put in outside.

'I take that as a no,' Lu Meng said, not seeming to care. 'I'm going to chose people in no particular order now. Remember that the speech is about Lord Sun Jian.'

Lu Xun quickly got his chair back to his desk while an entertained Sun Ce was still trying to see if he could spot Gan Ning out the window.

'Ling Tong,' Lu Meng smiled, 'Have _you_ prepared a speech?'

Ling Tong gulped as he looked down at what he had written so far during class, 'Um, yes sir.'

'Good. Up you come.'

Ling Tong was a laid back kind of a guy. But he thought it would be great to get good marks unlike what he got in high school. Unfortunately what he wrote he didn't think would make it somehow.

He cleared his throat and then began his speech, 'Well Lord Sun Jian is rising up back on the street, he did his time, took his chances. He went the distance, now he's back on his feet, just a man and his will to survive. So many times it happens too fast, he changes his passion for glory, don't lose his grip on the dreams of the past, he must fight just to keep them alive. Um. It's the eye of the tiger it's either the thrill or the cream of the fight'-

'Thanks Ling Tong,' Lu Meng sighed. 'Next.'

_At lunch _

'Hahahahahaha!' Gan Ning laughed, patting Ling Tong on the back. 'I can't believe you actually did that song about him!'

'Yeah yeah give it a rest will you? I couldn't think of anything else. And at least I didn't jump into roses.'

'Shut up.'

Sun Ce walked up with Sun Quan and Zhou Tai. Sun Quan was eating fairy bread for lunch.

'Ok,' Sun Ce started, 'Here's what's gonna happen. The five of us are going to the strip club tonight. Zhou Yu's gonna tell my father we're going hunting.'

'I still don't see why we have to go to a strip club,' Sun Quan sighed. 'I do have a little crush on your wife.'

'Da Qiao is _mine_. But you have a crush on Zhou Tai, which is a _big_ no-no.'

'Does anyone else have a sandwich without peanut butter on it?' Gan Ning asked, 'I'm sick of it!'

'Well you made it you wally,' Ling Tong said, 'besides, all I've got is a boiled egg sandwich with butter.'

'I've got a pie from the tuckshop,' Sun Ce announced proudly, 'Sun Quan has fairy bread. What about you Zhou tai?'

'I have a Quiche.'

'Anyone got some spare change for me to get a pizza pocket?' Gan Ning asked desperately.

'No,' Everyone else said.

'Come on guys,' Ling Tong said, 'we've got to focus on getting Quan back straight.'

'And you've come up with a strip club?' Sun Quan asked disappointedly as he dusted the crumbs of his lap.

'What's wrong with a strip club. Do you want to go straight again?'

'Yeah, but you call that, going straight? That's a place where men go for disgusting things.'

'That's where Gan Ning comes in,' Sun Ce said before taking a huge bite out of his extremely hot pie. 'He's gonna do all the dirty stuff for us while we focus on getting you straight.'

'That's right,' Gan Ning smiled.

'Fine,' Sun Quan gave in, 'I'll go to the strip club.'

_That night _

The five men approached the strip club all spread out in a line, walking like cowboys. Gan Ning couldn't get there any quicker. He was the first on in, Sun Quan was the last. The music was loud, the place was crowded, and there were lots of girls dancing. Sun Ce grabbed Sun Quan and led him to a quiet table where a beautiful girl was dancing. Zhou Tai followed, not believing his eyes.

'Aren't they beautiful?' Sun Ce said as he already gave the girl some money for some reason. 'Come on Quan, how can you resist that. You look as though it's Shang Xiang dancing.'

'She is,' Sun Quan said blankly as he pointed to the table behind their dancing girl at their younger sister dancing to the biggest crowd in the place.

'Oh dear,' Sun Ce said, also blankly.

'Ce, can we get out of here? Please. This is enough to give me nightmares for the rest of my life.'

'You and me both. What the heck is she doing here?'

Sun Ce got up and stormed over to Shang Xiang. He punched a guy who was touching her bum in the face. Shang Xiang turned and looked. She screamed when she realized who it was.

'Let's go, sis.'


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

Sun Ce dragged Shang Xiang by the ear back to the hallway of the rooms where the college students stay. The other four men followed behind them. They were met by Sun Jian, Lu Meng, Zhou Yu and Lu Xun. They stopped dead in their tracks. Gan Ning was the last to realize they'd gotten busted.

'What's this?' Sun Jian asked, 'We knew you were up to no good so we asked Lu Xun to follow you and he told us you all went to a strip club.'

'You girl Lu Xun!' Gan Ning said bitterly.

'I'm sorry Sun Ce,' Zhou Yu said with a few tears, 'It's seems that we underestimated them.'

'You are nothing but college students,' Lu Meng said, 'No match for us. That's actually quite funny to be honest.'

'My sides are splitting,' Gan Ning said unenthusiastically.

'Now,' Sun Jian said, 'what were you all doing there?'

'Sun Quan is a gay,' Everyone said together in unison. 'And he has a crush on Zhou Tai.'

Zhou Tai, the only one who didn't speak but nodded in agreement.

Sun Jian sighed, 'I thought that's what this'd be about.'

'Wait,' Sun Ce said confused, 'You know about this?'

'Yes. I too was a gay at Sun Quan's age.' Everyone's face turned to shock and Lu Xun fainted. 'Most men go through this at the age twenty-four.'

'Not me,' Ling Tong smiled.

'I said most men, if you were listening. Now, I have noticed that Quan's face has been looking like a slapped arse lately, and that's usually the sign that he is mistakenly a gay.'

'So is there a way to fix it?' Sun Quan asked, Zhou Tai looked hopeful.

'Yes,' Sun Jian smiled, 'there is a scroll hidden in Wei's main kitchen, in the corner cupboard, it is kept in between the al foil and glad wrap, and underneath the herbs. Reading this scroll will help turn Quan back straight.'

'And who told you this?' Ling Tong asked interested in this weird story.

'A very wise man called Zhuge Liang.'

'Are you sure he wasn't a billy bullshiter?' Gan Ning asked.

'Very sure, Gan Ning, Very sure. Now I'm not gonna lie to you, I thought it was twaddle too when I first heard it. But rubbish or not, it helped me, so who cares?'

'Right,' Sun Se said, 'So are you gonna do it Quan?'

'Hmm, yeah alright.'

'Cracking. Now I can't come because my wife is having a baby soon. But you can take Gan Ning, Ling Tong and Zhou Tai.'

'What about me?' Shang Xiang asked.

'Now young lady,' Sun Jian frowned, 'we still need to know what you were doing at the strip club don't we? Let me tell you know, there's going to be lots of scrubbing floors and other horrible chores ready for you to do.'

_Later on_

As punishment for going to a strip club, Sun Jian made the four men had to walk the whole way. They weren't happy about this, but they knew they did the wrong thing (well Gan Ning didn't but he's just a fruit loop) so this was the perfect punishment. Unfortunately, they weren't used to walking. As they walked through the bush, Ling Tong fell off a small cliff, Zhou Tai hit his head on a tree branch, Gan Ning got chased by a bear, and Sun Quan fell in a hole and couldn't get out.

So they decided to do the smart thing and stick to the road, things suddenly became a whole lot easier. While walking they just did a whole lot of things that men normally do together. Fart, burp, talk about stuff, give out friendly punches, stop for a pee, push each other into a river as they passed by on a bridge, stop at a pub for a few beers and of course save villages from attacks from bandits.

Onetime they encountered some of Gan Ning's old mates and asked them to leave a village no worries.

'Can we play a game?' A bored Gan Ning suddenly asked.

'Yes,' Ling Tong agreed. 'How about, Cruise Marry Shag?'

'How do you play?' Sun Quan asked.

'Ok,' Gan Ning smiled, 'here are the rules, now I don't like rules but anyway. I'll give you three people, one of them you have to marry and have kids with and a dog and a family estate car and all that, you know, forever, one you go on a cruise ship around the world spending every minute of every day with them but you DO NOT have to sleep with them. And the other one you have to have a long, hard, brutal.'-

'Ning?' Ling Tong said.

'Ok, you just have to you know, shag 'em.'

'Sounds fun,' Sun Quan smiled.

'And they have to be women,' Ling Tong made clear.

'Let's go.'

'Ok,' Gan Ning said, 'Sun Quan, I'll give ya. Zhen Ji, Diao Chan and Zhu Rong.'

'Hmm,' Sun Quan said stroking his beard, 'Tough one. They're kinda pretty I guess. Ok, marry Zhen Ji, go on a cruise ship with Diao Chan, and shag Zhu Rong, because I don't think I could spent the rest of my life with that women beating the crap out of me.'

Everyone else roared with laughter.

'It's true!' Ling tong grinned, 'Plus, Diao Chan is calm and nice to spend time with and Zhen Ji, well I'm not gonna go there.'

'I love that game,' Gan Ning said wiping a tear from his eye.

Even Zhou Tai looked amused.

_At Wei's camp_

When they approached the gate, Ling Tong knocked. Cao Cao opened the gate, he was still in his pyjamas with a dressing gown over the top, his hair looked messy.

'Why hello there gentlemen. Come on in.'

They followed Cao Cao through the town and into his palace. Dian Wei offered to take their coats, then he just threw them on the floor.

Xu Zhu offered them some food and drinks. Gan Ning was the only one who accepted, then the others got too tempted when watching Gan Ning eat so they all ate and drank.

When they'd finished, Cao Cao got the chance to ask them why they were here. Before they could answer Cao Pi entered along with Zhang Liao and Zhen Ji. Sun Quan and the other three all giggled like little girls at the sight of Zhen Ji, remembering her in that little game they played.

'Father,' Cao Pi said, 'I know what I want for my birthday. There's this really cool thing, that I want, and, it's really cool, and I want it, and.'-

'Son,' Cao Cao smiled, 'We have guests here. Maybe you can tell me about it later. Why don't you go off and help yourself to some lovely chocolate muffins that Xu Zhi made.'

'Yeah!' Cao Pi said as he ran off along with Xu Zhi, Zhen Ji and a skipping Zhang Liao.

'Sorry about that. That's my boy. Anyway, continue.'

'Sun Quan is gay and he has a crush on Zhou Tai and we need the scroll in the cupboard next to the glad wrap and al foil and under the herbs in the kitchen to turn him back straight.' Ling Tong said in one breath before passing out.

'Ah yes the scroll,' Cao Cao nodded. 'There's just one thing. I don't have it. Zhao Yun turned mistakenly gay as well and he has it.'

Ling Tong who just got back up passed out again.

'Right,' Sun Quan said disappointedly. 'Thank you very much. We are sorry to have disturbed you. We'll be off now.'

'Thanks, I need to go no, Pang De is giving me a foot massage in five minutes. Dian Wei will show you out.'

_Just after they left Wei_

There was silence for about twenty minutes until Gan Ning unsurprisingly broke it.

'Well that sucked didn't it?'

'Yes,' Sun Quan said, 'I can't believe Cao Cao gets foot massages.'

'Ah well,' Ling Tong said patting Sun Quan on the back. 'At least we get to go on another journey to Shu to find this scroll right?'

'We will find it,' Zhou Tai said.

'But we should rest for tonight,' Sun Quan said. 'How about at that place we passed on the way here that does curry?'

'Yes!' Everyone agreed.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

Sun Quan woke up. He realized it was a mistake to get drunk last night and also a mistake to eat a spicy curry especially since Gan Ning who was still asleep with his but in Quan's face let out a huge fart that almost killed him. Seeing this, Zhou Tai who cared for Sun Quan grabbed Gan Ning by the arm and through him across the room.

'My hero,' Sun Quan said dreamily, smiling at a now freaked out Zhou Tai.

'Uh, Quan?' Ling Tong said, trying to catch his attention, 'Remember what this whole trip is trying to achieve.'

'I know,' Quan sighed, 'He's just so amazing.'

Zhou Tai hurried away to Gan Ning who was snickering at him. Poor Zhou Tai liked Sun Quan, but not that much. Ling Tong realized that they had to get to Shu quickly before it was too late. Quan was already singing to Zhou Tai.

'Well maybe I'm just thinking that the rooms are all on fire,' Quan sang to Zhou Tai, 'Every time that you walk in the room. Well there is magic all around you, if I do say so myself. I have known this much longer than I've known you.'

'She had trusted many,' Gan Ning laughed as he sang along as well, 'And then there would be someone who would enter into her presence.'

'Shut up Gan Ning,' Ling Tong snapped. Zhou Tai nodded in agreement. 'Our friend here is suffering mistakenly gay and _you're_ just sitting there taking the piss.'

'Not a very nice friend,' the lady cleaning up her now messy restaurant said shaking her head.

'Shut up woman!' Gan Ning shot at the lady.

'Gan Ning!' Sun Quan yelled. 'I may not find that lady attractive because I am _mistakenly gay_, but I know we do _not_ talk to women that way!'

'That my friend is a great start,' Ling Tong smiled as he patted Quan on the back.

'Oh yeah, do that again,' Quan smiled.

'Ewe,' Gan Ning said, 'ok lets go, quickly.'

The men skipped off with water pistols singing, 'This is my rifle, this is my gun, this is for fighting, this is for fun.'

'So,' Quan said, 'How many relationships have you guys been in?'

'Um,' Ling Tong said, 'I haven't really been in one since high school. Unless you count the one who I locked in the dressing table closet. Which she may still even be in.'

Gan Ning laughed before telling his story, 'We I've been in lots of relationships before, but got out of them when they started caring about feelings.'

'Uh, that's what a relationship is you moron,' Ling Tong said, 'What about you Zhou Tai?'

'I was in one. But she lied about her age.'

'How old was she really?'

'Eighty-three.'

'Man that is just disturbing,' Gan Ning said, pretending to throw up. 'In fact I think that beats Quan being gay. Oh sorry, I mean _mistakenly_ gay.'

Quan randomly started singing again, 'Long nets of white cloud my memory.'

'Quan, give it a rest,' Ling Tong whined.

_As they finally got to Shu_

Guan Ping and Xing Cai were snogging instead of being on gate duty. So the four men just walked right on in. They were shocked to see Zhang Fei and Guan Yu doing aerobics dressed in those old 80's female exercise clothes where they have tights with a full piece looking swim suit over it. It never looked good in the 80's even on some women, so with these two it definitely wasn't a pretty sight.

Liu Bei, Zhuge Liang, Ma Zhao, Wei Yan, Huang Zhong and Pang Tong saw the four men and formed a conga line as they headed towards them.

'Why is everyone acting so weird lately?' Gan Ning asked. He looked around to see if Ling Tong could answer only to see that he had joined the conga line.

After the conga line had finished, Liu Bei invited the men into his palace where Jiang Wei was belly dancing, probably one of the worse sights yet, besides the aerobics.

'What can I do for you?' Liu Bei said as he sat down on his couch. 'Oh, firstly. Would you like a ferrero rocher?'

Liu Bei passed around the box of ferrero rocher's to the men after taking one himself.

'Mmm,' Sun Quan smiled dreamily, 'This is delicious.'

'The best thing I've ever tasted!' Gan Ning said licking the chocolate left around his mouth.

'I agree,' Ling Tong said, 'Yummy.'

Zhou Tai was already reaching for another one. Soon everyone wanted another one and Zhou Tai had to run away with the chocolates in order to keep them all for himself.

After settling the big fight over the chocolates, with lots of nail marks on each other. They all sat down to begin discussing what they came for.

Sun Quan began, 'I am mistakenly gay. My father told me to go to Wei because they had a scroll in the cupboard next to the glad wrap and al foil and under the herbs in the kitchen that can help to turn me back straight. Ling Tong that was hard to say in one breathe.'

'Told you so,' Ling Tong said shaking his head.

'And Cao Cao said that you have it because Zhao Yun turned mistakenly gay as well.'

'That is true,' Liu Bei said, 'he did and that scroll worked wonders. Zhao Yun is back straight, married and expecting his first child. However, Meng Huo has it now, one of his men turned mistakenly gay as well. Sorry.'

Gan Ning punched the air and swore really loudly making some birds in a nearby tree fly away.

'Ah nuts,' Sun Quan and Ling Tong said together.

_Ok, expect another chapter soon. Please tell how it's going and tell me where I can improve, it'll really help. Thanks. :)_


End file.
